Ten Things to Say When Someone Criticizes You After a Service

The service ended three minutes ago, and an eager gentleman is already waiting to talk to you. He catches your attention, and you say hi to him, and then he says what you never want to hear three minutes after a service: “I just have to be honest with you…”

You know this isn’t going to be pleasant. You’re happy to take suggestions and know that criticism is part of the job, but so soon after a service ended isn’t the best time or place for you receive either very well.

So in that moment – when someone is criticizing you, or the way you led, or the volume, or the songs, or your shoes – how can you respond graciously? Here are ten quick ways you might consider:

1. “Thank you so much for feeling comfortable enough with me to share these concerns. I really appreciate it.”
– Translation: I’ll think about what you said – later.

2. “Hey – since I can be forgetful right after a service, would you mind emailing me your thoughts?”
– Translation: Not now.

3. “That’s really helpful to hear. Thank you.” (repeat as needed)
– Translation: I disagree, but I’ll still listen to you.

4. “Hmmm. That’s very interesting. I’ve never thought about it that way. Thank you so much.”
– Translation: This is a new one.

5. “I see where you’re coming from. Thank you very much!”
– Translation: I can see how you would think that. You’re not crazy.

6. “Yeah, you’re right. I was thinking the same thing.”
– Translation: I don’t take myself too seriously. I’m happy to admit when I could have done something better.

7. “Hmmm. Well… I’m really sorry you felt it was too loud. I will definitely talk with the sound engineer.”
-Translation: I’m noting your concerns and will talk with the people who might be able to do something about them.

8. “That’s good to know. Thank you. Please always feel to share your concerns with me.”
– Translation:  I heard what you just said, and am happy to listen to you whenever you want if it makes you feel listened to.

9. “Well why don’t you call me tomorrow or Tuesday and let’s set up a time to talk?”
– Translation: I’d love to talk with you about this, but not right now.

10. “That’s interesting. What makes you say that?”
– Translation: This seems to be more about you than it is about me. What is it about you that makes you think what you’re thinking?

Someone once told me that being in ministry should make you “tough but sweet”.  That’s been the key for me when dealing with people who have really bad timing. Try to be as Christ-like and “sweet” with them, while at the same time, be strong and “tough” enough to have clear boundaries about what kind of criticism you’ll accept and when you’ll accept it.

Don’t Put It Off

I forgot to pay the water bill.

Somehow, it got buried in a stack of papers somewhere in our house and I completely forgot to pay it. Oops.

Earlier this afternoon, Catherine called me from home – she’s a full-time stay-at-home Mom to Megan – and told me that she tried turning on the faucet but no water came out. My mind immediately flashed to a mental note I had made a few weeks (months?) ago to pay that water bill. I guess that mental note got buried too.

So I rushed home, found a lovely note on our front door alerting us to the fact that our water had been shut off (not embarrassing at all, by the way), and went to city hall to pay the bill. Our water is now back on and all is well.

It was quite an odd feeling to walk into our kitchen, turn the faucet on, and have no water. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault but mine. My carelessness in tending to the not-so-minor detail of paying a bill had finally caught up with me.

A house remains cooled and heated, the lights come on when you flip a switch, the telephone dials, and the bank stays happy as long as you pay the bills. You might have a month or two grace-period if you forget, but not much longer.

It’s kind of the same way with leading a worship team.

You make a mental note to have lunch with your drummer because you think he’s getting burned out, but you forget.

Or you keep meaning to send your electric guitarist that training DVD but you never get around to it.

Maybe you have a singer who’s struggling with comparing how often he’s scheduled versus someone else. You know you should address it somehow – but weeks turn to months and now it’s been a few years.

When worship leaders are careless in tending to the not-so-minor needs of their worship team, either because they forget or because they’re procrastinating, they might have a few months grace period, but eventually things start shutting down. It catches up with them.

At any given moment, your worship team is just a few months away from being dysfunctional. It starts off subtle and then it grows. That’s why regular, clear, and pastoral leadership is needed to make sure people are focused, and priorities are clear. You’re not Superman, you can’t deal with everyone’s issues, and you can’t preemptively strike at every challenge, but you can make a point of not letting things get buried and forgotten.

Song Recommendation – “You Alone Can Rescue”

Matt Redman released his CD “We Shall Not Be Shaken” in August 2009. There are a bunch of great songs on it, and one that stood out from the beginning and has been a great addition to the repertoire at my church is “You Alone Can Rescue”. Here are the lyrics:

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves
Their own sin could heal?
Our shame was deeper than the sea
Your grace is deeper still

You alone can rescue, You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us, led us out of death
To You alone belongs the highest praise

You, oh Lord, have made a way
The great divide You heal
For when our hearts were far away
Your love went further still
Yes, your love goes further still

We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes
You’re the Giver of Life

Matt Redman, Jonas Myrin. (C) 2008 Thankyou Music (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing) sixsteps Music (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing) Said And Done Music (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing) SHOUT! Publishing (Admin. by Integrity Music, Inc.)

Here’s a video of Matt performing the song on The 700 Club:


Here’s why I like the song:
– It’s easy for a congregation to learn. Sing it once or twice and they’ll be able to join in.
– It’s simple but not trite. Two verses, a chorus, and a bridge, but full of truth.
– It’s flexible. You can lead this song with a full band or just one instrument, arrange it quietly, or arrange it like Matt does.
– It’s Christ-centered.

When I lead this song I make two little changes to make it easier for the congregation to sing:
– Move it down to the key of A or Bb. The recorded key of B feels a bit high in the chorus.
– Instead of repeating the last line of the second verse “…yes, Your love goes further still!” and jumping up an octave like Matt, I just cut that part out and go straight to the chorus. I might put this part back in some day, or use it in a higher-energy setting, but found that jumping up an octave there was a bit jarring the couple of times we did it that way.

– Listen to the whole song on Matt’s MySpace
– Download the song on iTunes for $.99
– Download the album on iTunes for $9.99
– Buy the album from Amazon for $12.05
– Download the free chord chart from Matt’s website
– Purchase the sheet music from musicnotes.com

A Word for Worship Leaders and Those Who Listen To Them

I recently came across a blog post by JR Vassar (pastor of Apostles Church in New York City) titled “A Word to Preachers and Those Who Listen to Them“. And while it’s aimed towards preachers, I think what he says is applicable and helpful for worship leaders too. Here’s some of what he said:

  • Trust that there is a cumulative effect to your preaching. Not every sermon needs to be a home run. Just be consistent and over time you will see a lot of fruit from your preaching. You don’t have to “kill it” every Sunday; in fact you can’t. Very few people have the ability to preach a lights out sermon week to week. Just preach the Gospel, relax and trust that God will bring about fruit.
  • Define the win. If you have not defined what makes a sermon good, then you have no objective criteria by which to judge your sermons. Here is how I define the win: Was it text sourced, Christ exalting, gospel centered, and audience focused?
    Text Sourced     – did the sermon come from a text in the bible and was it taught in context? This requires a lot of study.
    Christ Exalting – was Jesus the hero of the sermon? Did I preach in such a way as to move people’s minds and hearts toward him? Was he shown to be the One we need? Was he exalted as more than just an example or a model, but as a Savior? This is key. If we only present Jesus as a model for how we live, we condemn people. Jesus died the death he died because we cannot live the life he lived. So our preaching must put Jesus forth as Savior.
    That is what I mean when I say Gospel-Centered. Was the Gospel presented not merely as the starting point for the Christian life, but the very track on which the Christian life is ran? As Dr. Tim Keller puts it, the Gospel is not the ABC’s of the Christian faith, but the A-Z of the Christian faith. We do not grow by getting beyond the Gospel, but by going deeper into it. Show in your sermon how the Gospel is the answer. If you are teaching on generosity, show your people how the Gospel liberates us from greed by revealing a trustworthy, generous God who sacrifices greatly to meet our needs. In fact, if your sermon is just as true had Christ not died and risen from the dead, you did not preach the Gospel, you gave advice.
    Lastly, was it Audience Focused. You are not preaching to podcast land; you are preaching to a group of people who live in a certain place at a certain time who have certain idols. Study your audience and preach to them. This is the hardest part of preaching for me and an area where I need greater focus and growth. So, define the win or you will measure your sermon by the wrong things. You will be asking, “did the people like it and respond,” or “was it entertaining or engaging.” A wrong definition of the win brings about some critical losses.
For those that have to listen to preachers every week, I have two quick things to say:
  • Trust that there is a cumulative effect to your pastor’s preaching. Don’t expect him to hit a home run every week. It is impossible. Receive the sermon trusting that God will add it to the work that He is currently doing in your life and bring forth fruit. Your pastor’s sermons should be supplemental to the work God is doing in you through your own times in the word.
  • Define the win. Don’t judge your pastor on whether he is funny or dynamic or captivating. If your pastor is preaching the bible, exalting Christ, keeping the Gospel central and applying it to your context, then you have a great pastor and you should thank God for him. Stop complaining about your pastor’s delivery; pray for your receptivity. I hear people criticize their pastor’s preaching but never scrutinize their own listening. Maybe the problem is not what you think it is.

It’s a relief for me to know that there is a cumulative effect to my worship leading. And it’s a good reminder that I don’t have to “kill it” every Sunday – but rather be faithful in making Jesus central.

Thanks, JR, for such a helpful and convicting post.