Worship Leader Resolutions

In this new year, I think all worship leaders can agree on a few resolutions that, if adopted, would dramatically improve the corporate/sung worship in our churches.

1. Wear more scarves
People are cold. Even in Southern California. They need to see their worship leaders all bundled up and warm. The more scarves the better. Oh and don’t forget the hat.

2. Brightly label our iPads
It’s not enough to hide your iPad on your music stand. And it’s not enough to have your iPad on its own devoted iPad stand. I suggest that, for the edification of our people, we brightly label our iPads with giant letters saying “I AM COOL I USE AN IPAD”. Extra points if you wear a scarf while using an iPad.

3. More of the 1980s
So apparently the 1980s called and they have some more synthesizers they want us to use in our music. I say we shouldn’t stop at the synthesizers. Let’s bring back those electric drums and make sure we stick the big poofy foam things on the ends of our microphones (color coded, preferably).

4. It’s time to re-tune the re-tuned hymns
I’m calling it right now. New worship music trend: re-tuned re-tuned hymns. It’s like twice-baked potatoes or double-stuffed Oreos. It’s like dipping a deep-fried Snickers back into the deep fryer and then frying it again. These re-tuned hymns need to be re-tuned again. You heard it here first.

5. More retweets
If it’s one thing worship leaders need to do more of, it’s retweet any and all twitter mentions. There is a severe shortage of worship leader retweeters, and 2014 must be the year we begin to retweet, and then retweet the retweeted retweets, while eating twice-baked potatoes stuffed with double-stuffed Oreos while wearing scarves made out of iPads.

6. Incorporate holograms
I’m tired of my congregation having to settle for me leading Chris Tomlin songs. I want him to lead his songs via hologram at my church. Let. The. Future. Begin.

7. More catchphrases
Worship leaders need more catchphrases to really engage the congregation. There are different levels.

Beginner: Come on, get your hands together!
Intermediate: Shout it out, church!
Novice: Now put those worship cookies in the oven and watch them bake!
Expert: You are now free to move about the cabin of praise!
Advanced: Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let’s go!

8. Bring back the hand motions
Can I get a “you came from heaven to earth to show the way”? That’s what I’m talking about.

9. Point the microphone to the congregation when you want them to sing
I learned this technique from Carman, (i.e. America’s first worship leader). You want the crowd to sing? Point the mic at them. Ignore your sound engineer’s advice on this one. Wave the mic around, and in as many directions, as much as possible. The more microphone pointing, the louder the congregational singing. Add on a catchphrase and you’ve got solid gold.

10. Move beyond the octave jump
Octave jumps are so 2013. It’s time to take it to the next level in 2014 with the octave MONSTER jump. The octave MONSTER jump isn’t just one lame octave up. It’s two octaves up. That’s right. You want to take that bridge and third chorus to the next level? Then take a deep breath, tighten your scarf, turn on your iPad, crank your synthesizer up to 11, put down your double-stuffed Oreo, get ready for some Twitter mentions, push the Chris Tomlin hologram out of the way, yell out an advanced catchphrase, get that hand motion cued up, point that microphone back to your mouth, and let that octave MONSTER jump rip. Your people will never be the same.

Here’s to a great 2014, worship leaders. Get busy and stay warm.